When I read today’s prompt, I went through a mental list of the people in my life who I really admire a lot. I don’t really admire them for their confidence though, I admire them for other things. And for most of them, I could think of a moment or situation when they appeared less than confident.
How are we defining confidence? Loud, brash and never afraid of anything? If that’s it, how do we know this person is not just some jumbled mess on the inside? What if their confidence is just a façade? What if it is just a front? And I know the prompt is not specifically asking me to analyze the confidence of the people in my life, but it is a prompt, so come with me.
There are a lot of people who have described me as confident, which is very laughable to me. Especially because, I can point to only two blocks of time in my life when I have felt really confident in myself, and none of those time blocks lasted for more than 18 months. Every other time, I was steadily putting up a front and pretending, unsure, afraid and desperately praying that no one would catch me in a panicked moment.
So what if these confident people that I know are doing just that? There is actually one person who stands out in my mind when I think of confident people. Let’s call her Onyinye. Onyinye was my classmate in college and she always looks happy. Even when she is sad, or has a genuine reason to be sad. I don’t think happy is actually the word I’m looking for. She always seems sure. Like she has no worries about herself, or her future. SO you would know that this person was dealing with some serious grief or pain, she would show it too and yet, she would still look as if she wasn’t fazed.
Onyinye is a Christian, I’m not even trying to be preachy here but people who actually have a genuine relationship with God always seem to be very confident. And I’m not talking of creepy, weird people who use religion as a excuse to be categorically evil. You need to listen to Onyi speak. It always amazes me and I always find myself coveting whatever it is that gives her such confidence, makes her so sure. I know what it is, I just haven’t figured out how to get there and stay there.
Anyway, back to the prompt – confidence. I like the idea of being a confident person, but it is not a character trait that I trust because I have faked it enough times to know that it can easily be faked. I am also grateful to the people in my life who put up a confident front for me when I’m about to shit my pants out of fear. Thank you very much.
Okay, bye.
Chioma.
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